Paxil Free

Monday, September 18th, 2000.

Today is my 13th day of weaning off Paxil. One week of alternating between 20mg and 15mg, then one week of just 15mg. I’m beginning to think I should have alternated for more than a week. I was going to begin alternating between 15mg and 10mg this Wednesday, but I’m having second thoughts; I may wait a little longer.

I’ve been having headaches for the past few days, I was extremely tired one day, and when I stand up fast I get dizzy. It’s a regular dizziness that doesn’t even compare to the dizziness of cold turkey withdrawal. My spirits aren’t nearly as positive as they were during the first week of weaning.

But what I’m feeling right now feels like a precursor to more severe symptoms. It feels like the worse is about to come. And I’ve begun to feel a little uneasy again, a little worried. I have a feeling the “weepiness” is going to hit me soon. And I hate this not having control of my life. Again, what I’m experiencing now is nothing compared to my cold turkey withdrawal from a few months ago, but that doesn’t give me much comfort.
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Tuesday, September 19th, 2000.

Day 14 of my weaning off the Paxil. One week of alternating and one week of levelling off at 15mg.

I don’t have headaches, but I’m getting drowsy and slow-moving, and I’m becoming apathetic.

***king Paxil. (I’m not in the greatest mood either.)

P.S. (Sept. 2006): Covering up the f-word with italics doesn’t fool anyone. Still, this time around, I’ll try to keep most of the content of Paxil Free PG-rated.

Wednesday, September 20th, 2000. From a Paxil-withdrawal forum similar to paxilprogress.org:

Colin said:

I can’t believe I’m going to do this. After almost a month, I caved in and called my doctor. I get a Paxil refill this afternoon. I’m scared to go back on it but I’m also scared to be off of it. Can anyone help me?

You may have mentioned before how you went off the Paxil, but I lose track of who says what around here, so forgive me if you’ve outlined how you went about it. If I were to take a guess, though, I’d say you got off the Paxil cold turkey — and if not cold turkey then way too fast. That’s my best guess.

I went cold turkey a few months ago, lasted 6 days and on the 7th day I had go back on the Paxil. I felt suicidal a few weeks later. Losing control like that — and not having control like that — just doesn’t jive well with me. I’m much better now, but it was definitely one experience I could have done without.
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Thursday, September 21st, 2000.

Carol said:

I am just so upset because I was put on this for depression and the depression is worse getting off this stuff. I just want my life back.

I want my life back too. I’m in the middle of weaning, and although it’s going relatively smooth, I can still feel the Paxil in me. I don’t think I’m going to feel like myself again until it’s completely out of my system.

As far as feeling depressed again, I got really depressed after my cold turkey withdrawal — and this is after having gone back on the Paxil. I just couldn’t handle not having control over my life again. This is a general feeling I’ve been dealing with since my bout with post-traumatic stress last year. Since then I’ve gone through a series of experiences where I couldn’t do anything about what was happening to me, and then just when things started to look settled again, I followed my doctor’s orders in July and went off the Paxil cold turkey, and wham-o, down I go again. I’m weaning myself slowly off the Paxil now; I’m more or less standing on my own again, but my legs still feel pretty wobbly.
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Thursday, September 21st, 2000 (continued).

I began therapy for post-traumatic stress (PTS) last year. It helped more than anything else could have. It was absolutely the best thing I could have done. Since then I have had other things happen (including my initial Paxil withdrawal) where I felt like I didn’t have any control over my life. I have dealt with the PTS, and I don’t have anymore symptoms (no “flashbacks,” etc.), but so many other things have happened (nonstop it seems) since my initial PTS experience that I just haven’t had the time to rest and recover, to re-evaluate, etc.

I was feeling ready to get on with my life this past July, and so — following my doctor’s orders — stopped taking Paxil cold turkey. And you know how the story goes from there. The only thing I’m afraid of now is what’s going to happen to me next as I continue to wean myself off the Paxil. I keep trying to stay composed, but I am scared out of my mind every step of the way. I can feel those ***king brain zaps ready to pounce on me once I go down to 10mg, and I am not looking forward to it. That’s the only fear that I’m feeling. And that’s a real fear whereas the fear from PTS is largely irrational. PTS was no fun at all, but Paxil sure the hell doesn’t make it any better.

In my work, I can usually write two to three thousand solid words a day. I doubt I’ve written that much in all of the past two weeks. I’m getting through this, but I’m getting sick of it too. I know all about PTS. But most of what I’m experiencing now is just a pain in the ass.

Thursday, September 21st, 2000 (continued). Responding to a concern someone had about a weird lump in their throat:

From my own experience of cold turkey withdrawal from Paxil (which lasted six days before I had to go back on it); from what I’ve read online; and from what I’ve been able to read in the medical literature, Paxil — and withdrawing from it — plays havoc with your immune system.

Almost everyone (especially those who go cold turkey) seems to come down with flu symptoms while they’re trying to get off Paxil — but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

When I tried getting off Paxil, besides coming down with the worst flu of my life, the brain zaps and blurred vision, I also had cancerous-like growths show up inside my mouth, particularly under my tongue. Eventually these painfully large growths seemed to fill with blood and begin to bleed whenever I ate something that rubbed against them. I had one particular tumour that didn’t go away for a month, then disappeared for a week and then came back. Several times I thought of going to the doctor because I was sure I had some kind of cancer, but some days the tumour was there and some days it wasn’t. Eventually it went away.

That’s just my little story.

If you don’t take vitamin supplements already (e.g., B-Complex, at least 50mg a day), then start now. Extra doses of Vitamin C and Calcium/Magnesium wouldn’t hurt either.

But my feeling is that you don’t have anything wrong with your throat. Once the Paxil and everything else is flushed out of your system, that lump in your throat will go away. By now you probably think you have throat cancer (and I know how convincing the experience can be), but I think when everything is over done with, you’ll be fine.

Tuesday, September 25th, 2000 (continued). In response to a post from a Paxil-withdrawal forum:

According to what I’ve been reading, if you took at least 20mg of Paxil for more than 4 months, then it will take you at least two months to wean yourself to zero without experiencing any major withdrawal symptoms.

I know that everyone is different, and I’ve read of people who managed to go from 20mg to zero is less then a month. Whippee for them, but I’m more inclined to think that that’s the exception, not the rule.

The rule is: GO SLOW. Everyone, it seems, who does not wean slowly, usually experiences more severe and prolonged withdrawal symptoms.

I don’t think you’re going crazy. You just may have gone off the Paxil too fast. And you may have to go back to a comfortable dose and then gradually wean yourself off the Paxil — slowly.
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Preface – February 5th, 2001: This is the first post where I included one of the responses to what I’d written. After this I began to keep a better record of all the conversations and exchanges that took place on the Paxil-withdrawal forums.

Thursday, September 28th, 2000. In response to a post at a Paxil-withdrawal forum [similar to paxilprogress.org]:

Everything I know tells me that alternating 20mg/10mg of Paxil is too much of a drop. The most anyone should alternate or lower a dosage is by 5mg. If you stick to that regiment, it should work. I’m down to 10mg right now, and so far so good.

I told my doctor last week, “You better give me something just in case the brain zaps start creeping up on me, because I am NOT going through that again.” He gave me a prescription for Xanax (aka Alprazolam) which he said is often used to get people through withdrawal from many neurochemical dependencies. No more than twice I day I’ve taken at the most half of a 0.25mg pill (very small amount; sometimes I take a quarter of a pill), and it allows me to walk up and down stairs without experiencing too much dizziness. I am nowhere near 100%, but I’m semi-functional, which I consider an accomplishment.

So by alternating dosages by a maximum of 5mg and taking a little Xanax to “take the edge off,” I’m getting through it. When you try weaning again, the slow route might be the way to go.
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Tuesday, September 25th, 2000.

Well, today it my 20th day of weaning off Paxil. I am now down to 10mg, alternating with 15mg for three days (today happens to be a 10mg day), and for whatever reason, I’m feeling okay. I occasionally have a mild tension around my head, but no headaches, no feeling like the brain zaps are just around the corner, hardly anything.

Easily for the past three days I’ve been walking around holding on to the walls, grabbing onto something every time I stood up, not making any sudden movements (especially with my eyes), avoiding loud noises, being extremely careful walking up and down stairs, and absolutely not driving the car.

Then around 10 o’clock last night as I’m watching the Olympics, I start getting tired, and as I do my head clears up and I don’t have any symptoms for the rest of the night.

Then when I woke up this morning, my head was still clear — but seeing how everything usually kicks in about an hour after I get up, I wasn’t very hopeful.

But, to my surprise, I’ve been okay all day. I was not expecting to feel like this today. I picked up a Xanax prescription from my doctor today to help “take the edge off” if the withdrawal got any worse — and worse is definitely what I was expecting — but so far so good.

Tomorrow may be completely different, but what I’m experiencing now is definitely a surprise. I’m still moving slowly and cautiously, but I almost feel like I don’t really need to.

Go figure. Who’d expect to have a good day when they get down to 10mg? Not me.

Sunday, October 8th, 2000.

Today’s my 32nd day of weaning. Still levelled off at 10mg.

Two days ago I was feeling like a zombie. But since then, things have been different. The next day, just before I went to bed, I began to feel better. And all day today I’ve been feeling almost normal. (It feels almost abnormal to feel normal again. Weird.)

About an hour ago I began to feel a bit of a headache, and that’s the only possible symptom of withdrawal I’ve experienced today. I haven’t felt dizzy or off balance or any of the usual things. I think the withdrawal is still happening, but it’s amazing how when you’ve experienced the worst of it (i.e., cold turkey withdrawal), the degree of the withdrawal can be measured down to the slightest fraction. Anyone notice that? If cold turkey withdrawal (namely the brain zaps) is a 10 in severity, then what I’ve experienced today is a 1, maybe a 2. It’s what we who have lived through this junk call a Good Day.

In terms of my diet and exercise and the usual things I do to keep the electrical surges at bay, I haven’t done anything different in the past two days. Perhaps it was just my body and brain finally adjusting to the 10mg level.

But I have another theory. It’s more of a curiosity, I suppose. Not much of a theory, but it’s something I’ve noticed a few times since I began the weaning process. Until now I just didn’t think it was plausible. But who knows. This is what happened:
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