#6: Suicidal Feelings
March 19th, 2001. (Basic Facts – continued)
This is the scariest one of them all, and I probably should have put it #1 on my list ahead of the electric shock sensations, but it’s the most difficult one to talk about and I still don’t know what to say about it — except that it was real, very real. I’ve heard many people going through withdrawal talk about this. The reason it’s scary is because it’s not just a feeling; it’s an overwhelming urge, an almost primal drive, a suicidal compulsion that kicks in when the experiences of the withdrawal become too much. There is no way to describe how real this aspect of the withdrawal experience can be. It’s not the kind of thing that is casually discussed because of the fear that everyone is going to think you’re crazy and beyond help, and nobody going through this wants to feel that alienated; the experience is lonely enough without adding that to the list.
The reality of Paxil withdrawal, though, is that it can wear a person down, testing one’s ability to stay civilized on the outside while inwardly the experience is pushing them to the edge of their sanity, of their ability to cope. This I think is the greatest challenge of the withdrawal experience. All of these issues are addressed in the further postings on this blog, but the most I can say for now is to remember that it’s not you — it’s the Paxil withdrawal. It may feel like a living hell that, if you survive it, will have damaged you so badly that’ll never be the person you were before. But it’s not as bad as it feels. I know it because I’ve lived through it. I had the seizures so bad I was convinced that permanent neurological damage was being done to me, and I didn’t want to live to see what the hell was left of me when it was all over with. So on more than one occasion I felt a compulsion to want to get it over with now (and sometimes it wasn’t just an urge but seemed to be a perfectly logical course of action; that’s what’s scary about it).
But just remember it’s the Paxil withdrawal, not you, and that it will pass. I saw a quote from Winston Churchill the other day which I would love to have heard during the worst moments of my withdrawal: “If you find yourself going through hell, keep going.”
(See also Thoughts of Suicide.)
P.S. (Sept. 2006): I realize this could be read as one hell of a depressing blog. No doubt about it. But if you’re already going through withdrawal, reading a blog like this isn’t going to make it any worse. I’m only on the second day of re-posting all this stuff, and I’m already receiving emails from people saying they appreciate it. I don’t like revisiting all these bad memories; I want to get this stuff re-posted as fast as I can — because it’s a bit of a downer, to be honest. But it does seem to bring comfort and reassurance to people who are going through withdrawal or have had recent experience with it. So that’s it — that’s the reason I’m doing this. Beyond that specific demographic, though, I would say, “Move on. Nothing to see here, folks.” Really.