Paxil Free

March 24th, 2001. (Basic Facts - continued)

While the Paxil Experience is a roller coaster ride where at times the weather is fine and the seas are relatively calm (yes, there are good days), as I mentioned earlier, maintaining one’s civility throughout this can become a challenge as the frustration of having your life affected by the dis-ease of the withdrawal can build and build until you feel like you’re going to punch out the next person who says, “How are you today?” You might also experience a high degree of irritability resulting in the occasional jolt of anger to burst through. Fortunately this sort of state or condition is transitory. That means it doesn’t usually last long: somewhere between a few minutes to a few days, but it does pass. You may have your moments where the only thing you can do is go off by yourself where you can’t say or do anything to hurt anyone, but if you can explain beforehand the situation to those around you, you should be able to keep the peace most of the time.

March 25th, 2001. (Basic Facts - continued)

My hypersensitivity to light and sound (especially to sound) began after I’d completely weaned myself off the Paxil. But, as is the case with all the symptoms I’ve listed here, it can happen before, during or after one has stopped taking the Paxil. Bright lights or quickly changing shades of light, such as a strobe light or even fast-paced edits in films or videos, become physically painful to watch. You may find yourself dimming or turning off many of the lights in your house (fluorescent lights and LCD monitors are the worst). Staring at a television screen or computer monitor can quickly become painful on the eyes (neurologically painful, I guess).

Along with this is a hypersensitivity to sound similar to that which one might experience during an alcoholic hangover. The slightest unanticipated sound sends a shot of adrenalin through your system that makes you jump about ten feet in the air every time it happens. (Irritating sounds such as someone clipping their fingernails or crunching candy in their mouth can become ultra-irritating.) This hypersensitivity is also comparable to what one might experience from a migraine episode. It can take several months to completely dissipate, in which case it may not be easy to live with, but eventually it goes away. Patience.

P.S. (Sept. 2006): I was still very sensitive to fluorescent lights for about a year or two after I got off the Paxil. Which sucks, because fluorescent lights are everywhere. Those weren’t exacty good times for me. I had more than a few days and nights where I thought, “Is this ever going to end?” Thankfully, it did.

Tuesday, October 17th, 2000.

Angela wrote (on paxil progress.org/forums):

It has been three weeks since I have been off of Paxil. I’m terrified.

Every now and then I feel some withdrawal symptoms, nausea, severe headaches and total lack of focus and concentration. But what scares me most is the way my mind is working.

I have been so angry lately, I lash out at my friends, I already lost one, and almost lost my best friend because of the horrible things I was saying. I just spoke to my boyfriend, and hung up feeling terrible, because I keep having mood swings. One second I want to hurt someone, I want to punch, kick scream, anything — the next, I am sorry for feeling this way, and sorry for acting the way I do. Is this a result of a chemical imbalance created by the Paxil? Wow. I wonder if the chemistry of my brain is going to remain in this “schizophrenic” trance.

While I am no longer feeling depressed, I feel trapped. Like I’m in a jail, and I want to break through the walls that surround me. I want to kill myself because I am afraid of what I might do, who I might hurt, that I am a truly horrible person and that I do not deserve to live. I don’t know what to do, or think, or say.

Susan wrote:

My advice is not to be alone too much, and not to let your thoughts dwell on dying. You are not a terrible person — keep reminding yourself what you are going through, that it’s the Paxil withdrawal, not you.

I haven’t quit yet — I just lowered my dose from 10mg to 5mg every other day. About a month ago, I lowered my dose to 10mg and I noticed the ANGER more than anything. I don’t think I have any more anger inside me than the average person, and possibly less, but I felt furious for about a week or two. And I noticed that the worst seemed to be that time before my period. (The Paxil may have been buffering my emotions during that time.)

My boyfriend was over one evening, not feeling well himself, and said something that I normally could have handled, and I slammed the door behind him when he left. We tried to talk a few days later, but it didn’t go well — then we didn’t talk for nearly two weeks, but are now back on track.

My point is, I’m sure the change in my neurochemistry had a lot to do with it. I was so upset one evening, I got into the word processor on my computer and wrote down, “I am angry…” and then a list of all I was angry about. I came up with 23 things, and intended to come back to it. And a lot of the things were not concrete things that had been done or said, but my perceptions about what others thought about me, and the INJUSTICE of it all! I really felt vulnerable. (I am a little nervous about this upcoming week of my cycle.)

Please be kind to yourself, even if you are having a hard time feeling kindly towards others right now. If you had a daughter and she were experiencing what you are experiencing, how would you want her to think about herself? Try to be a kind parent to yourself. Take care.

My response:

Experiencing irritability problems? Kind of feeling like killing someone else or killing yourself? At this moment in time, I think I can relate…

The number one thing to do right now is not kill yourself. I’ve been weaning myself off Paxil for 41 days now (I’m almost down to 5mg), and that’s 41 days of my life not being mine. I’ve been smiling patiently the whole time, but I am so sick of it that I am ready blow, I am ready to lash out, and I have days where it seems that the most reasonable thing to do would be to kill myself. The clarity of this thought when it’s there is — how do I describe it? Talk about a mind trip. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that everything I’m experiencing is being caused by the Paxil withdrawal, and that eventually the withdrawal itself will withdraw. I don’t know when, but for now I know that what I’m feeling isn’t my fault, and that I’m not crazy.

At the same time, while I know that I’ll be enduring this for some time to come (and I hate it that my life isn’t mine while this is happening, that I can’t even begin to live my life the way want to while this junk is making me into a zombie) — at the same time I know what I have to look forward to (it’s going to get worse before it gets better). On top of the frustration I naturally feel from having my life made unproductive, uncreative and useless by this wonderful little pill, I’m beginning to experience the irritability that comes from withdrawal — and it’s the kind of irritability where I don’t even want to look at some people, I don’t want them to look at me, I don’t want to listen to them open their mouth and say something stupid that I don’t have the energy for. I have become one big ball of sunshine. I have moments where I feel I could grab some people by the head and break their neck, or just punch them in the face and knock them unconscious so I won’t have to deal with them.

Kinda scary, isn’t it? Everybody thinks I’m handling this situation with ease. They don’t know the half of it. If it’s disturbing to read what I’m saying here, it’s a hell of a lot more disturbing being the one living it, believe me.

Right now I would like to live in a log cabin in the woods and be left alone. Not so that I can go off by myself and blow my brains out, but because I know that the more people I have to deal with everyday (especially stupid people, as well meaning as they may be), the more likely I am to punch somebody in the face or tell them to f*** off…

Well aware that this is where I am right now, I do everything I can to avoid people. This isn’t anti-social; at the moment it’s just a matter of survival. I would like to lock myself away until the worst of this is over with. Goddam Paxil.

But the point is, you’re not alone with the mood swings, with the extreme surges of anger, etc. — and after everything you’ve been through because of our little friend, Paxil, who the hell wouldn’t be? I’m ready to commit violence on some people because they have no idea how debilitating this experience has been — they have no idea what a challenge it has been for me to maintain my civility throughout all this.

I haven’t lost any friends yet, mainly because I’m staying clear of everyone as much as possible. I think most of us going through this have experienced some kind of personal loss due to the Paxil withdrawal. That’s doesn’t include the loss of the quality of our lives while we’re being put through this shit, the loss of our living. Regardless of the physiological effects of Paxil withdrawal (which are extremely unpleasant and often debilitating), the psychological effects aren’t exactly a walk in the park either. Let’s not forget this.

My own personal prediction of how my withdrawal will go is that all the feelings I would have normally experienced while I was taking the Paxil but were numbed out by the Paxil — every single one of them is going to come back with a vengeance. It doesn’t mean a relapse into a depression or anxiety; it means that all the feelings that the Paxil didn’t allow me to feel are going to be felt now. So regardless of the physical symptoms of withdrawal, of living without Paxil, the psychological experience itself will be a motherload. When I get off the Paxil, I don’t expect to bounce back to my good old self right away. It’s going to take time. That’s just a theory, my own speculations based on my previous experience of cold turkey withdrawal.

This Paxil withdrawal experience has affected everything in my life since it first happened in early July. I’ve been living a useless life ever since. That’s how it feels anyway. And now that I’m almost down to 5mg, I’ve got the mood swings, the sudden burst of anger, irritability on a level which is off the scale, insomnia, occasional suicidal feelings, dizziness, gastric disturbances (to put it kindly) — the works. The only thing that keeps me going right now is that I know it isn’t going to last. I don’t know how long it will last, but I know it will pass as long as I do everything in the meantime to keep myself healthy (vitamin supplements, exercise, staying away from annoying stupid people, etc.).

The other thing I’ve had to do recently is to tell the people who know that I’m going through withdrawal that I have reached the stage where I am extremely irritable and that they shouldn’t take my unfriendliness personally, and that the best thing they can do is to not push themselves on me. It other words, I’ve politely told them to get out of my face. While I’m going through the irritability stage, something as simple as that has made a difference.

First response:

Reading your message is like reliving my own nightmare. You have so very eloquently expressed feelings what I and many others have had as we journeyed through our withdrawals. I still have a lot of anger over the experience, but in our society you’ve got to be careful who you express those feelings to! You’ve done so much for us on this board in letting us know that our experiences weren’t out of the ordinary or unique — unless you’ve taken Paxil.

THANK YOU for sharing. It really means a lot to me to know that others have felt similar emotions.

Second response:

Thanks for being so candid and sharing your story. I’m gonna risk getting my neck broken here, but the rush of emotions that you will feel again when you complete withdrawal may not be as bad as you’re expecting. I’ve been reading posts here since July 2nd, and I’ve never read any that make it sound hard to deal with. On the contrary, most have said that it felt great to be able to cry again, etc. Tapering can be rough and the days after your final dose may be rough, but at that point, you know that the end is in sight. Your anger should subside. Hang in there, you’re probably in the worst of it right now. When you’re out of this, I hope you can spread the word about what Paxil did to you and prevent others from suffering. I sure have sympathy for you. Let us know how you’re doing.

Third response:

Thank you for your post. I felt myself choking up reading it and reliving the experiences you have described.

I, too, have been down that road. I have never been prone to angry outbursts, so it was really hard for me. I have felt so much shame for acting the way I have toward family (strangely I didn’t feel anger toward others). Many times they would just look at me “stunned” at what they were hearing come from little ole docile me! My rage was mostly ranting and raving. Thank God I didn’t feel suicidal or want to physically hurt anyone. My words were bad enough and I am sure they caused pain to others.

I have been off Paxil for 6 weeks after taking it for 6 years and can tell you that it will get better. My anger lasted for 2 weeks past my last pill and then went away. Some days it wasn’t too bad and others… well… let’s just say I wasn’t too much fun to be around.

I started taking St. Johns Wort about 3 weeks after my last Paxil and just quit taking it a week ago. I have been going through the anger period again just in the last week. I really think and hope it is from discontinuing St. Johns Wort. I am hopeful that I will get past this last bump too.

Sunday, November 24th, 2000 (24th day of Paxil).

Sarah wrote:

I have been off Paxil for 10 months now, and I still get very upset for no reason. I would assume most people don’t after getting off Paxil, but I do! I had a very, very hard time getting off Paxil, and I never wish to go through that again.

Paxil changed my whole personality when I was taking it, but when I got off Paxil, I found it very hard to find the personality that I once had.

Through reports and research that I have done on Paxil, this seems to be a common factor. They don’t know why or how. But I will tell you, and you probably already know, Glaxo SmithKline has yet to accept any responsibility. Through reading and studying about Paxil, there seems to be many changes in personality that do take place. Read Medscape on the internet for any update information. It is a very informative database.

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Tuesday, November 28th, 2000 (28th day off Paxil). In response to a message on paxilprogress.org:

I don’t think the paresthesia/electrical sensations in my eyes and my head are caused by anxiety and stress. I had plenty of anxiety and stress before I went on and subsequently tried to get off Paxil, and it’s NEVER felt like this. I have had tension headaches in the past, but what I’m experiencing now is something completely different altogether.

The zaps are the cause of the anxiety and stress, not the other way around.

This isn’t an argument to me. It’s a statement of fact. I tried getting off the Paxil and immediately, for the first time in my life, began experiencing the brain zaps. This is the most obvious, simple, straight forward equation. It’s a neurochemical reaction that’s happening in my brain because of this drug. If I’m feeling any anxiety, depression or stress, 95% of it is coming from this experience of trying to get off this drug.

Overall, I have been physically and mentally healthy my whole life. My doctor keeps asking me, referring to the brain zaps and the electrical heaviness in my eyes, “Are you sure you’ve never experienced anything like this before?” I’ve never taken an anti-depressant before Paxil, I’ve never “experimented” with LSD, cocaine or anything stronger than pot, and when I did, I was never a dopehead. I’ve never been an alcoholic. I don’t have a history of this sort of thing. I have no doubt that these electrical sensations in my head are caused by the Paxil.

I wasn’t feeling any stress or anxiety until I tried getting off the Paxil, and what I’m experiencing now is not due to any pre-existing condition that I know of. I may be feeling depressed, and I may be experiencing some anxiety — but my brain goes into an electrical seizure every time I move too suddenly or move my eyes too fast or have any kind of bright light shone in my face. Is not a little stress and anxiety a normal reaction to such a disturbing experience? I’d say it is. (Some people may say to this, “Get over it. ” But I’ll get over it once it stops.)
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Friday, December 1st, 2000 (continued). Responding to a post on paxilprogress.org:

I’ve always been able to deal with the emotional symptoms (e.g., the suicidal feelings) easier than the other symptoms (e.g., the electrical surges). The electrical sensations just about drive me insane. More than any of the other symptoms, they’ve made it impossible to be me and to do what I love to do.

I have felt on-and-off suicidal since my first cold turkey experience in early July. I still haven’t completely shaken the feeling, but I can tell you that it subsides to the point where it’s just a faint echo of what you’re feeling now. You’ll remember it, and in a sense it’ll still be there, but you won’t feel any urge to go through with it.

The only way to get through now it is don’t kill yourself (simple, right?). Your body and your brain are going through one serious motherload of a neurochemical adaptation. You have to give yourself a chance to get through it and to go through it. As you know, there are some sudden benefits to getting off the Paxil — I’d say focus on those right now and enjoy them as much as you can. And the next thing you know, you’ll be feeling crappy, but you won’t be feeling suicidal. And that’s progress. And gradually everything gets better. That’s the only thing I can say with some confidence.

It’s been a long dragged out experience, but a little tiny bit at a time, I’ve gotten better. So don’t kill yourself and you will too. And don’t forget to take plenty of B Complex.
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Wednesday, December 6th, 2000 (36th day off Paxil). Responding to some messages on paxilprogress.org:

I have good days and bad days and some days where I don’t feel like talking to anyone. Since early July my life has been affected by this Paxil withdrawal, and it still is being affected, and most of the time nowadays I’m just sick of it. I’m tired and I want my life back.

I go for days at times not responding to emails or posting any messages. I haven’t disappeared though. Thanks for asking. I don’t want to talk about it — but thanks for asking.

If I let myself think too much about everything I have lost because of the Paxil withdrawal (my work, close relationships, so-called friends who turned out not to be friends, not being able to function like a normal human being, etc.) — I’d probably get really depressed. The level of anger and frustration and hurt is off the scale. And, still living through the withdrawal stages, I’m not in the mental condition to do anything about it — to do any thing.

I get tired of it sometimes, and I find myself sort of tuning out, because it’s all I can do to give myself a break. And it’s time like this that I’m really tempted to get high, smoke dope, find some escape.

I don’t go around sharing every single one of these bad days because I don’t want to bring everyone down. But I’m still around.

Friday, December 15th, 2000 (45th day off Paxil).

Dave wrote:

My emotions are all over the place. I keep bursting into tears very suddenly and out of the blue. Also, in the evenings/nights the last few days I have had really frightening feelings that I’m going to suddenly do something really awful and will just lose control. I feel like something inside me that usually inhibits these actions has come undone and is in danger of activating. It’s really scary.

Has anyone else felt this? It’s not a feeling of wanting it all to end — it’s a feeling that it just suddenly will with some rash action. This is very hard to write — probably to read to. Please reply if you’ve felt the same. I just want to hear there are others going through the same thing — please don’t write and tell how SSRIs are thought to induce suicide — I can’t handle that.

My response:

I know the feeling. You don’t have to describe it to me, and I don’t feel like elaborating on it. I know it too well to want to think about it too much. Since my first attempt at cold turkey withdrawal, I have experienced what you’re describing more than once (the last time I experienced it was about five days ago). I’ve experienced it at various times during my withdrawal and in many variations, but it’s all basically the same thing. It’s extremely difficult and scary to describe, but it’s like a knowledge that I could die now; a human being can only take so much, then something’s gotta give. But that doesn’t even come close to it.

Anyhow, I have lived through it, and continue to do so, because I’m able to avoid things that could set me off.

How I’ve managed to live through these moments, I don’t know. Recently, I even wrote a suicide note. Then I spent an hour or so polishing it up. And so I wrote a note instead of jumping off a bridge. By the time I finished polishing up the note, I’d managed to live through it, and although I wasn’t feeling too hot, I was no longer in danger. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever had to face. And maybe I survived it by not facing it, by doing something else. Or maybe by actually facing it through writing and saying, “You won’t get me, you motherf**ker!” I don’t really know, and I’m not sure I can talk about it because it’s still very fresh in my mind.

But I’ve survived it and done most of it alone. There are times when I don’t want to talk to anyone, and don’t. I know when I have to be careful. That’s probably what got me through it, a knowledge that, “I have to be careful now.” And I run from everything — probably not the best thing to do (social isolation is usually not a good thing), but when even the slightest thing can set me off, can push my buttons in the wrong way, I make sure not to bump into anything or anyone who could push me more over the line.

Don’t push yourself. Know that now may be a time to be careful. Very careful.

None of this is probably any comfort to you, but what I can I tell you? I’ve been feeling extremely worn down lately and I don’t have as much to give as I used to. But I’m still alive.

Fall head-first into the agony of it. Live through it. Whatever it takes. Maybe that’s what I did. Maybe you can do it too. The main thing is don’t kill yourself. It isn’t you, remember; it’s the damn Paxil withdrawal.