Paxil Free

March 27th, 2001. (Basic Facts - continued)

The nausea, along with unpleasant digestive problems (those are fun), is usually accompanied by the seizures that are #1 on this list. Most of the time it seems to happen when someone has tried going off Paxil cold turkey. By weaning slowly, though, one’s appetite might get all out of whack, but the nausea apart from the seizures and dizziness usually isn’t a huge problem.

The fatigue, though, is a problem. Paroxetine withdrawal is an exhausting experience. Every single second of it is exhausting — especially while the seizures are happening. It’s been nine months since my Paxil withdrawal experience began, almost four months since I last took any Paxil, and my energy level, physically, emotionally and cognitively, is still far from being 100%. Things are slowly getting better, but what can I tell you? This experience stole away a huge chunk of my life and robbed me of my health of which I am still trying to recover. So sue me if the bounce in my step isn’t as bouncy as it used to be. I’m feeling a little worn, a little bit tired, and maybe it shows. But I am alive, and that’s an accomplishment. Believe me, it is.

And so that’s about it in terms of the basic facts of Paxil withdrawal. It may not look like a pretty picture — that’s because it isn’t. But remember to keep in mind that most of what I’ve listed here is the worst of it all. Everyone is different and the chances of you experiencing everything on this list are slim. If you take care of yourself with daily exercise, avoid stressful situations, take some vitamin supplements and wean slowly at your own pace, you might not experience any of these things. Imagine that. That’d be great.

For some people, the transition from Paxil to being Paxil free is a relatively smooth ride. I happen to have been a bit sensitive to all the crap my withdrawal experience laid on me, but the #1 rule to remember is that everyone is different. Everyone can survive the withdrawal, but at their own pace and in their own way.

P.S. (Sept. 2006): These are the Paxil withdrawal effects I’ve had some experience with. But everyone is different, so I’d guess there’s at least another dozen or so withdrawal effects that aren’t on this list. Here are some of them:

(I’ve also posted a Paxil withdrawal guide from the original Paxil Free website. It’s the actual page from the old site, untouched since it I first posted it.)

Tuesday, July 11th, 2000 (continued).

Today’s my 4th day back on the Paxil and all of my withdrawal symptoms are gone completely.

I’ve been writing a lot. I don’t know what that means, but I’m not complaining because I love writing. I’m still feeling tired like I could use a cup of coffee every half hour — but I’m not drinking any caffeine or anything at all that I could experience withdrawal from; I’ve been on that boat and I’m never jumping back on, I don’t care how big or small it is.

I feel somewhat depressed (or maybe I’m just still upset and shaken from the trauma of the withdrawal), but I’m going to get moving today regardless.

I’ve had to fight off the sleepiness I’ve experienced since going back on the Paxil (with — never forget — the intention of weaning myself off it once things have settled back to normal). I had to fight off the sleepiness during the day so I’d be tired at night and get my rhythms back on track. It seems to be working.
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Wednesday, July 12th, 2000 (continued).

This is still my 5th day back on the Paxil after trying to cold turkey. I’m taking 20mg, my regular dose, but if you can believe it, I’m considering increasing it.

Before I went off the Paxil cold turkey as my doctor ordered, I was feeling fine. Happy, functional, smiling joe. Now my 5th day back on Paxil after my terrible cold turkey withdrawal experience, all of my withdrawal symptoms have long gone, and the headaches and the sleepiness I experienced when I first got back on the Paxil have also disappeared.

All I’m left with now is feeling depressed. My body feels fine, but emotionally I’m feeling depressed and easily saddened.

I plan to wean myself off the Paxil, but I need to feel not depressed before I do that. Right now — or at least today — I don’t have the guts to do anything. And I’m not used to feeling like this. It’s not overwhelming yet, but it is interfering with my ability to do what I want to do; that irrational, underlying fear is there. I’m fine when I do talk to people, but I’m not feeling as brave and easy-going as I was before.

I don’t want to increase my dosage. I’m trying to eat well, trying to get outside, trying to be positive, but I don’t feel like any of it. I’m hoping this will pass. I’m hoping I don’t have to increase the Paxil.

I’ll be making a doctor’s appointment today, but does anyone whose been through this having any suggestions? (I hate this shit!)

P.S. (Sept. 2006): That’s the vicious cycle of Paxil. You take it because you feel depressed or you’re axious in social situations. But once you stop taking it, whatever depression or social anxiety you experienced before doesn’t just come back — it comes back with a vengence. Some call this relapse, but how do you relapse into a condition that is worse than what you started with? This is one of the many ways paroxetine messes with your nervous system. Paroxetine may not be considered officially an addictive drug, but I’ve heard from heroin addicts who had an easier time going clean. (See also the Wikipedia entry for SSRI discontinuation syndrome and paxilprogress.org’s Published Withdrawal Studies.)

Thursday, July 13th, 2000.

Okay, today is my 6th day back on Paxil after my attempt going cold turkey. I still plan to wean myself off it, but not yet.

After going back on the Paxil, all the withdrawal effects disappeared — to be replaced by sleepiness. And then on the 4th day, I felt a tiny bit depressed and still sleepy. On the 5th day, I didn’t feel sleepy, but I felt definitely depressed. And today, the 6th day back on the Paxil, I just woke up and I’m not feeling the depression I felt yesterday (at least not yet; I just woke up 30 minutes ago).

So judging from the first day I went off the Paxil cold turkey (as my doctor ordered), up until today, about two weeks of my life were pretty much a write-off. That’s how much of my time this crap wasted.

But I’m trying not to dwell on that, because that’s depressing. I’m certainly not happy any of this happened.

I have noticed, though, that I feel considerably better after I’ve eaten a good meal. And I’m learning what better food to put into my body to give me more energy, which usually translates into more positive mental energy.

Postscript - February 26th, 2001: Here I am grieving over two weeks of my life which were stolen from me because of my initial withdrawal experience. Considering that the worst of the withdrawal would stay with me for about another seven months, it’s no wonder that my perception of time became distorted.

Thursday, July 13th, 2000 (continued). In response to a comment on paxilprogress.org that I have since misplaced:

I didn’t have dilated pupils when I went on Paxil. The main thing I felt was a bit of numbness is my hands and a slight lethargy, kinda dragging myself around a little. Which at the time was exactly what I needed because I was going through too much stuff at once and my nervous system was on overload. Feeling the numbing effects of the Paxil gave me something to fight against. Seeing how everything else in my life was out of control and I was beginning to lose my determination, fighting against a little pill was a synch.
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Monday, September 18th, 2000.

Today is my 13th day of weaning off Paxil. One week of alternating between 20mg and 15mg, then one week of just 15mg. I’m beginning to think I should have alternated for more than a week. I was going to begin alternating between 15mg and 10mg this Wednesday, but I’m having second thoughts; I may wait a little longer.

I’ve been having headaches for the past few days, I was extremely tired one day, and when I stand up fast I get dizzy. It’s a regular dizziness that doesn’t even compare to the dizziness of cold turkey withdrawal. My spirits aren’t nearly as positive as they were during the first week of weaning.

But what I’m feeling right now feels like a precursor to more severe symptoms. It feels like the worse is about to come. And I’ve begun to feel a little uneasy again, a little worried. I have a feeling the “weepiness” is going to hit me soon. And I hate this not having control of my life. Again, what I’m experiencing now is nothing compared to my cold turkey withdrawal from a few months ago, but that doesn’t give me much comfort.
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Tuesday, September 19th, 2000.

Day 14 of my weaning off the Paxil. One week of alternating and one week of levelling off at 15mg.

I don’t have headaches, but I’m getting drowsy and slow-moving, and I’m becoming apathetic.

***king Paxil. (I’m not in the greatest mood either.)

P.S. (Sept. 2006): Covering up the f-word with italics doesn’t fool anyone. Still, this time around, I’ll try to keep most of the content of Paxil Free PG-rated.

Wednesday, September 20th, 2000.

Colin said:

I can’t believe I’m going to do this. After almost a month, I caved in and called my doctor. I get a Paxil refill this afternoon. I’m scared to go back on it but I’m also scared to be off of it. Can anyone help me?

You may have mentioned before how you went off the Paxil, but I lose track of who says what around here, so forgive me if you’ve outlined how you went about it. If I were to take a guess, though, I’d say you got off the Paxil cold turkey — and if not cold turkey then way too fast. That’s my best guess.

I went cold turkey a few months ago, lasted 6 days and on the 7th day had go back on the Paxil. I felt suicidal a few weeks later. Losing control like that — and not having control like that — just doesn’t jive well with me. I’m much better now, but it was definitely one experience I could have done without.
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Wednesday, October 18th, 2000 (continued).

In a previous message I mentioned feeling suicidal at times. I know that’s the kind of thing that scares people off, but most people who go through this kind of thing eventually get around to feeling something like it. The problem with actually admitting it out loud is that people think you’re crazy — and nobody listens to crazy people, right? (Right.)

But the fact that I can say it out loud demonstrates, I hope, that I’m probably more healthy than the people who don’t say it out loud. And the last thing I’m going to do is smile and pretend everything is a.o.k. when it isn’t. I see people every day like that who are living in Disneyland and it’s a way of life for them. (And between you and me and that wall over there, these are the people who are nuts. Seriously.)

Despite all the depressing things I’ve experienced because of the Paxil, I am not depressed. Believe me, I know depression, and this isn’t it. This stuff is a headache, and there’s no joy to be found in any of it, but my personality is still relatively intact, and I’m not depressed.
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Wednesday, December 6th, 2000 (36th day off Paxil). Responding to some messages on paxilprogress.org:

I have good days and bad days and some days where I don’t feel like talking to anyone. Since early July my life has been affected by this Paxil withdrawal, and it still is being affected, and most of the time nowadays I’m just sick of it. I’m tired and I want my life back.

I go for days at times not responding to emails or posting any messages. I haven’t disappeared though. Thanks for asking. I don’t want to talk about it — but thanks for asking.

If I let myself think too much about everything I have lost because of the Paxil withdrawal (my work, close relationships, so-called friends who turned out not to be friends, not being able to function like a normal human being, etc.) — I’d probably get really depressed. The level of anger and frustration and hurt is off the scale. And, still living through the withdrawal stages, I’m not in the mental condition to do anything about it — to do any thing.

I get tired of it sometimes, and I find myself sort of tuning out, because it’s all I can do to give myself a break. And it’s time like this that I’m really tempted to get high, smoke dope, find some escape.

I don’t go around sharing every single one of these bad days because I don’t want to bring everyone down. But I’m still around.

Friday, December 8th, 2000 (38th day off Paxil).

From Joe:

I took 20mg of Paxil for three years for panic anxiety disorder. I only had a few weeks of side effects at first (nausea, vivid dreams, and then of course the sexual side effects), but then it was great. Not obsessing about things, everything was brought into a healthy perspective. However, as time went on I started not to care about anything. It went too far — a real flat effect, chronically fatigued and, of course, the worst for me, I gained 45 pounds.

I had no idea about the withdrawal. The drug company, GlaxoSmithKline, does not warn you about that. If I would miss a pill, I noticed I couldn’t even turn my head, my eyes wouldn’t follow — it was awful. I couldn’t wait until my next “hit” of the drug, and then guess what? — all the symptoms would disappear. (I should have known my body was addicted then, but on Paxil you just go through life not giving a damn about anything, so who cared?)

I think the longer you are on it, the worst these symptoms are. Coming off has been very rough. It has taken me since September to get to 3mg a day. I usually tell people who visit paxilprogress.org that at least you know somewhat ahead of time what to expect. I knew nothing but what my MD and pharmacist told me: “It’s a safe, nonaddictive drug. You won’t gain weight. It won’t effect your blood pressure.” (I’m hypertensive.) All proved not to be true.

Having said all that, however, if you are having trouble with depression, anxiety, panic etc., and it’s acute right now, paroxetine can help you to get relief from those symptoms and to lead a normal life for a time. And when it’s time to go off, just wean slowly. This gives the poor brain a better chance to adjust to “life without Paxil.” Good luck.