Paxil Free

Sunday, September 3rd, 2000.

Background information: I began taking Paxil last year after some unfortunate but traumatic events led me into a depression. After getting over all these experiences, and in a position to move onto greener pastures, I followed my doctors orders and stopped taking Paxil cold turkey. That was a couple months ago.

When I tried getting off the Paxil cold turkey, I went crazy for six days, and then decided to go back on it. But since then I haven’t been the same. Besides the trauma of the withdrawal, which I was totally misinformed and uninformed about, I’ve been feeling more apathetic than I was before I was even on the Paxil. If I told my new doctor this, he’d probably want to up my dosage. Screw that.
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Saturday, September 9th, 2000.

Today is my 4th day of weaning myself off Paxil, but this time I’m doing it slowly. The first time I stopped was cold turkey because my doctor said it was okay to do that. That was a few months ago, and I haven’t been the same since.

It took me this long to get my courage back up to give it another try. Outwardly, I appear pleasant and calm, but inside I’m scared and have been at least for the past month anticipating getting off the Paxil again. As well informed as I’ve become since the hell of my initial withdrawal experience, I’m still scared. Everything I went through during my withdrawal has definitely left an impression on me, and one that I’d much rather have done without.
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Monday, September 18th, 2000.

Today is my 13th day of weaning off Paxil. One week of alternating between 20mg and 15mg, then one week of just 15mg. I’m beginning to think I should have alternated for more than a week. I was going to begin alternating between 15mg and 10mg this Wednesday, but I’m having second thoughts; I may wait a little longer.

I’ve been having headaches for the past few days, I was extremely tired one day, and when I stand up fast I get dizzy. It’s a regular dizziness that doesn’t even compare to the dizziness of cold turkey withdrawal. My spirits aren’t nearly as positive as they were during the first week of weaning.

But what I’m feeling right now feels like a precursor to more severe symptoms. It feels like the worse is about to come. And I’ve begun to feel a little uneasy again, a little worried. I have a feeling the “weepiness” is going to hit me soon. And I hate this not having control of my life. Again, what I’m experiencing now is nothing compared to my cold turkey withdrawal from a few months ago, but that doesn’t give me much comfort.
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Tuesday, September 19th, 2000.

Day 14 of my weaning off the Paxil. One week of alternating and one week of levelling off at 15mg.

I don’t have headaches, but I’m getting drowsy and slow-moving, and I’m becoming apathetic.

***king Paxil. (I’m not in the greatest mood either.)

P.S. (Sept. 2006): Covering up the f-word with italics doesn’t fool anyone. Still, this time around, I’ll try to keep most of the content of Paxil Free PG-rated.

Wednesday, September 20th, 2000.

Colin said:

I can’t believe I’m going to do this. After almost a month, I caved in and called my doctor. I get a Paxil refill this afternoon. I’m scared to go back on it but I’m also scared to be off of it. Can anyone help me?

You may have mentioned before how you went off the Paxil, but I lose track of who says what around here, so forgive me if you’ve outlined how you went about it. If I were to take a guess, though, I’d say you got off the Paxil cold turkey — and if not cold turkey then way too fast. That’s my best guess.

I went cold turkey a few months ago, lasted 6 days and on the 7th day had go back on the Paxil. I felt suicidal a few weeks later. Losing control like that — and not having control like that — just doesn’t jive well with me. I’m much better now, but it was definitely one experience I could have done without.
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Thursday, September 21st, 2000.

Carol said:

I am just so upset because I was put on this for depression and the depression is worse getting off this stuff. I just want my life back.

I want my life back too. I’m in the middle of weaning, and although it’s going relatively smooth, I can still feel the Paxil in me. I don’t think I’m going to feel like myself again until it’s completely out of my system.

As far as feeling depressed again, I got really depressed after my cold turkey withdrawal — and this is after having gone back on the Paxil. I just couldn’t handle not having control over my life again. This is a general feeling I’ve been dealing with since my bout with post-traumatic stress last year. Since then I’ve gone through a series of experiences where I couldn’t do anything about what was happening to me, and then just when things started to look settled again, I followed my doctor’s orders in July and went off the Paxil cold turkey, and wham-o, down I go again. I’m weaning myself slowly off the Paxil now; I’m more or less standing on my own again, but my legs still feel pretty wobbly.
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Thursday, September 21st, 2000 (continued).

I began therapy for post-traumatic stress (PTS) last year. It helped more than anything else could have. It was absolutely the best thing I could have done. Since then I have had other things happen (including my initial Paxil withdrawal) where I felt like I didn’t have any control over my life. I have dealt with the PTS, and I don’t have anymore symptoms (no “flashbacks,” etc.), but so many other things have happened (nonstop it seems) since my initial PTS experience that I just haven’t had the time to rest and recover, to re-evaluate, etc.

I was feeling ready to get on with my life this past July, and so — following my doctor’s orders — stopped taking Paxil cold turkey. And you know how the story goes from there. The only thing I’m afraid of now is what’s going to happen to me next as I continue to wean myself off the Paxil. I keep trying to stay composed, but I am scared out of my mind every step of the way. I can feel those ***king brain zaps ready to pounce on me once I go down to 10mg, and I am not looking forward to it. That’s the only fear that I’m feeling. And that’s a real fear whereas the fear from PTS is largely irrational. PTS was no fun at all, but Paxil sure the hell doesn’t make it any better.

In my work, I can usually write two to three thousand solid words a day. I doubt I’ve written that much in all of the past two weeks. I’m getting through this, but I’m getting sick of it too. I know all about PTS. But most of what I’m experiencing now is just a pain in the ass.

Thursday, September 21st, 2000 (continued). Responding to a concern someone had about a weird lump in their throat:

From my own experience of cold turkey withdrawal from Paxil (which lasted six days before I had to go back on it), from what I’ve read at paxilprogress.org and from what I’ve been able to read in the medical literature, Paxil — and withdrawing from it — plays havoc with your immune system.

Almost everyone (especially those who go cold turkey) seems to come down with flu symptoms while they’re trying to get off Paxil — but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

When I tried getting off Paxil, besides coming down with the worst flu of my life, the brain zaps and blurred vision, I also had cancerous-like growths show up inside my mouth, particularly under my tongue. Eventually these painfully large growths seemed to fill with blood and begin to bleed whenever I ate something that rubbed against them. I had one particular tumour that didn’t go away for a month, then disappeared for a week and then came back. Several times I thought of going to the doctor because I was sure I had some kind of cancer, but some days the tumour was there and some days it wasn’t. Eventually it went away.

That’s just my little story.

If you don’t take vitamin supplements already (e.g., B-Complex, at least 50mg a day), then start now. Extra doses of Vitamin C and Calcium/Magnesium wouldn’t hurt either.

But my feeling is that you don’t have anything wrong with your throat. Once the Paxil and everything else is flushed out of your system, that lump in your throat will go away. By now you probably think you have throat cancer (and I know how convincing the experience can be), but I think when everything is over done with, you’ll be fine.

Tuesday, September 25th, 2000 (continued). In response to a post at paxilprogress.org:

According to what I’ve been reading, if you took at least 20mg of Paxil for more than 4 months, then it will take you at least two months to wean yourself to zero without experiencing any major withdrawal symptoms.

I know that everyone is different, and I’ve read of people who managed to go from 20mg to zero is less then a month. Whippee for them, but I’m more inclined to think that that’s the exception, not the rule.

The rule is: GO SLOW. Everyone, it seems, who does not wean slowly, usually experiences more severe and prolonged withdrawal symptoms.

I don’t think you’re going crazy. You just may have gone off the Paxil too fast. And you may have to go back to a comfortable dose and then gradually wean yourself off the Paxil — slowly.
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Preface - February 5th, 2001: This is the first post where I included one of the responses to what I’d written. After this I began to keep a better record of all the conversations and exchanges that took place.

Thursday, September 28th, 2000. In response to a post at paxilprogress.org:

Everything I know tells me that alternating 20mg/10mg of Paxil is too much of a drop. The most anyone should alternate or lower a dosage is by 5mg. If you stick to that regiment, it should work. I’m down to 10mg right now, and so far so good.

I told my doctor last week, “You better give me something just incase the brain zaps start creeping up on me, because I am NOT going through that again.” He gave me a prescription for Xanax (aka Alprazolam) which he said is often used to get people through withdrawal from many neurochemical dependencies. No more than twice I day I’ve taken at the most half of a 0.25mg pill (very small amount; sometimes I take a quarter of a pill), and it allows me to walk up and down stairs without experiencing too much dizziness. I am nowhere near 100%, but I’m semi-functional, which I consider an accomplishment.

So by alternating dosages by a maximum of 5mg and taking a little Xanax to “take the edge off,” I’m getting through it. When you try weaning again, the slow route might be the way to go.
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Tuesday, September 25th, 2000.

Well, today it my 20th day of weaning of Paxil. I am now down to 10mg, alternating with 15mg for three days (today happens to be a 10mg day), and for whatever reason, I’m feeling okay. I occasionally have a mild tension around my head, but no headaches, no feeling like the brain zaps are just around the corner, hardly anything.

Easily for the past three days I’ve been walking around holding on to the walls, grabbing onto something every time I stood up, not making any sudden movements (especially with my eyes), avoiding loud noises, being extremely careful walking up and down stairs, and absolutely not driving the car.

Then around 10 o’clock last night as I’m watching the Olympics, I start getting tired, and as I do my head clears up and I don’t have any symptoms for the rest of the night.

Then when I woke up this morning, my head was still clear — but seeing how everything usually kicks in about an hour after I get up, I wasn’t very hopeful.

But, to my surprise, I’ve been okay all day. I was not expecting to feel like this today. I picked up a Xanax prescription from my doctor today to help “take the edge off” if the withdrawal got any worse — and worse is definitely what I was expecting — but so far so good.

Tomorrow may be completely different, but what I’m experiencing now is definitely a surprise. I’m still moving slowly and cautiously, but I almost feel like I don’t really need to.

Go figure. Who’d expect to have a good day when they get down to 10mg? Not me.

Sunday, October 8th, 2000.

Today’s my 32nd day of weaning. Still levelled off at 10mg.

Two days ago I was feeling like a zombie. But since then, things have been different. The next day, just before I went to bed, I began to feel better. And all day today I’ve been feeling almost normal. (It feels almost abnormal to feel normal again. Weird.)

About an hour ago I began to feel a bit of a headache, and that’s the only possible symptom of withdrawal I’ve experienced today. I haven’t felt dizzy or off balance or any of the usual things. I think the withdrawal is still happening, but it’s amazing how when you’ve experienced the worst of it (i.e., cold turkey withdrawal), the degree of the withdrawal can be measured down to the slightest fraction. Anyone notice that? If cold turkey withdrawal (namely the brain zaps) is a 10 in severity, then what I’ve experienced today is a 1, maybe a 2. It’s what we who have lived through this junk call a Good Day.

In terms of my diet and exercise and the usual things I do to keep the electrical surges at bay, I haven’t done anything different in the past two days. Perhaps it was just my body and brain finally adjusting to the 10mg level.

But I have another theory. It’s more of a curiosity, I suppose. Not much of a theory, but it’s something I’ve noticed a few times since I began the weaning process. Until now I just didn’t think it was plausible. But who knows. This is what happened:
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Saturday, October 14th, 2000. A journal entry:

I’m halfway through weaning myself off the Paxil. My life isn’t my own, and I might be dead by Xmas. (Yeah, I’m feeling great.)

The psychiatrist I’ve been seeing is supervising my withdrawal from the Paxil. That’s all he’s doing. As far as talking to him, I get nothing from it. He’s an academic with few insights into anything. He doesn’t seem to have a natural grasp of the kind of person I am. I wish I’d gotten someone who actually talks back with something to say. I think I could pick a random person off the street to act as my therapist and get as much benefit from it.

Sunday, October 15th, 2000. A journal entry:

I haven’t had a cigarette for months now. Occasionally I still feel like sucking one back, and the urge is extremely strong. Living without alcohol seems to be no problem. But boy would I love to have a smoke right now.

I still can’t say for certain whether I’ll still be alive by Xmas. Simple reason. I don’t want my life anymore. I’m not exactly thrilled about it. My life, that is.

Postscript - April 14th, 2001: In July 2000 when I first got hit with the Paxil withdrawal, I decided to quit: (1) Smoking cigarettes, (2) Drinking coffee/caffeine, (3) Drinking alcohol, and (4) Smoking dope (which I never did much of anyway). At the same time I tried to quit Paxil. Talk about fun. My withdrawal experience may have been a bit more harsh because I tried to quit so many things at the same time. Not drinking or smoking dope was the easiest thing, mainly because I no longer hung around with recreational drunks and potheads. It was a simple decision: That’s not for me. A lifestyle choice. No problem there. Cutting back on the coffee and then gradually switching to decafe was a bit harder, but I did it and sticking to it shouldn’t be a problem. But cutting back on the cigarettes was the hardest. I didn’t smoke any cigarettes until December 2000 when I bought a pack and smoked it all in about two days, and after that the urge was gone. But then I began to have bad headaches in February 2001 which made my getting back on track with life again almost impossible. As I write this postscript, I’m taking special medication just to keep the headaches away. But about ten minutes ago I bummed a smoke from a friend who was visiting, and man oh man did that ever feel good (although I know it’s going to make me feel nauseous in about 20 minutes). I’m not recommending that anyone start smoking up again if they’ve managed to quit, but by letting myself have that cigarette, it was like I was agreeing not to be so hard on myself. And that, psychologically, feels like a great relief. Not that I’m going to begin smoking again, but I think this was the first time since my withdrawal began that I was easy on myself. I think that’s an important thing to remember, especially for people who are usually driven by a strong will and determination. One’s will can be one’s worst enemy at times.

Monday, October 16th, 2000. A journal entry:

I’ve been feeling suicidal. It’s an interesting feeling to say clearly, “I don’t want to live.” It seems to be a very reasonable decision. Weird.

Tuesday, October 17th, 2000.

Angela wrote (on paxil progress.org/forums):

It has been three weeks since I have been off of Paxil. I’m terrified.

Every now and then I feel some withdrawal symptoms, nausea, severe headaches and total lack of focus and concentration. But what scares me most is the way my mind is working.

I have been so angry lately, I lash out at my friends, I already lost one, and almost lost my best friend because of the horrible things I was saying. I just spoke to my boyfriend, and hung up feeling terrible, because I keep having mood swings. One second I want to hurt someone, I want to punch, kick scream, anything — the next, I am sorry for feeling this way, and sorry for acting the way I do. Is this a result of a chemical imbalance created by the Paxil? Wow. I wonder if the chemistry of my brain is going to remain in this “schizophrenic” trance.

While I am no longer feeling depressed, I feel trapped. Like I’m in a jail, and I want to break through the walls that surround me. I want to kill myself because I am afraid of what I might do, who I might hurt, that I am a truly horrible person and that I do not deserve to live. I don’t know what to do, or think, or say.

Susan wrote:

My advice is not to be alone too much, and not to let your thoughts dwell on dying. You are not a terrible person — keep reminding yourself what you are going through, that it’s the Paxil withdrawal, not you.

I haven’t quit yet — I just lowered my dose from 10mg to 5mg every other day. About a month ago, I lowered my dose to 10mg and I noticed the ANGER more than anything. I don’t think I have any more anger inside me than the average person, and possibly less, but I felt furious for about a week or two. And I noticed that the worst seemed to be that time before my period. (The Paxil may have been buffering my emotions during that time.)

My boyfriend was over one evening, not feeling well himself, and said something that I normally could have handled, and I slammed the door behind him when he left. We tried to talk a few days later, but it didn’t go well — then we didn’t talk for nearly two weeks, but are now back on track.

My point is, I’m sure the change in my neurochemistry had a lot to do with it. I was so upset one evening, I got into the word processor on my computer and wrote down, “I am angry…” and then a list of all I was angry about. I came up with 23 things, and intended to come back to it. And a lot of the things were not concrete things that had been done or said, but my perceptions about what others thought about me, and the INJUSTICE of it all! I really felt vulnerable. (I am a little nervous about this upcoming week of my cycle.)

Please be kind to yourself, even if you are having a hard time feeling kindly towards others right now. If you had a daughter and she were experiencing what you are experiencing, how would you want her to think about herself? Try to be a kind parent to yourself. Take care.

My response:

Experiencing irritability problems? Kind of feeling like killing someone else or killing yourself? At this moment in time, I think I can relate…

The number one thing to do right now is not kill yourself. I’ve been weaning myself off Paxil for 41 days now (I’m almost down to 5mg), and that’s 41 days of my life not being mine. I’ve been smiling patiently the whole time, but I am so sick of it that I am ready blow, I am ready to lash out, and I have days where it seems that the most reasonable thing to do would be to kill myself. The clarity of this thought when it’s there is — how do I describe it? Talk about a mind trip. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that everything I’m experiencing is being caused by the Paxil withdrawal, and that eventually the withdrawal itself will withdraw. I don’t know when, but for now I know that what I’m feeling isn’t my fault, and that I’m not crazy.

At the same time, while I know that I’ll be enduring this for some time to come (and I hate it that my life isn’t mine while this is happening, that I can’t even begin to live my life the way want to while this junk is making me into a zombie) — at the same time I know what I have to look forward to (it’s going to get worse before it gets better). On top of the frustration I naturally feel from having my life made unproductive, uncreative and useless by this wonderful little pill, I’m beginning to experience the irritability that comes from withdrawal — and it’s the kind of irritability where I don’t even want to look at some people, I don’t want them to look at me, I don’t want to listen to them open their mouth and say something stupid that I don’t have the energy for. I have become one big ball of sunshine. I have moments where I feel I could grab some people by the head and break their neck, or just punch them in the face and knock them unconscious so I won’t have to deal with them.

Kinda scary, isn’t it? Everybody thinks I’m handling this situation with ease. They don’t know the half of it. If it’s disturbing to read what I’m saying here, it’s a hell of a lot more disturbing being the one living it, believe me.

Right now I would like to live in a log cabin in the woods and be left alone. Not so that I can go off by myself and blow my brains out, but because I know that the more people I have to deal with everyday (especially stupid people, as well meaning as they may be), the more likely I am to punch somebody in the face or tell them to f*** off…

Well aware that this is where I am right now, I do everything I can to avoid people. This isn’t anti-social; at the moment it’s just a matter of survival. I would like to lock myself away until the worst of this is over with. Goddam Paxil.

But the point is, you’re not alone with the mood swings, with the extreme surges of anger, etc. — and after everything you’ve been through because of our little friend, Paxil, who the hell wouldn’t be? I’m ready to commit violence on some people because they have no idea how debilitating this experience has been — they have no idea what a challenge it has been for me to maintain my civility throughout all this.

I haven’t lost any friends yet, mainly because I’m staying clear of everyone as much as possible. I think most of us going through this have experienced some kind of personal loss due to the Paxil withdrawal. That’s doesn’t include the loss of the quality of our lives while we’re being put through this shit, the loss of our living. Regardless of the physiological effects of Paxil withdrawal (which are extremely unpleasant and often debilitating), the psychological effects aren’t exactly a walk in the park either. Let’s not forget this.

My own personal prediction of how my withdrawal will go is that all the feelings I would have normally experienced while I was taking the Paxil but were numbed out by the Paxil — every single one of them is going to come back with a vengeance. It doesn’t mean a relapse into a depression or anxiety; it means that all the feelings that the Paxil didn’t allow me to feel are going to be felt now. So regardless of the physical symptoms of withdrawal, of living without Paxil, the psychological experience itself will be a motherload. When I get off the Paxil, I don’t expect to bounce back to my good old self right away. It’s going to take time. That’s just a theory, my own speculations based on my previous experience of cold turkey withdrawal.

This Paxil withdrawal experience has affected everything in my life since it first happened in early July. I’ve been living a useless life ever since. That’s how it feels anyway. And now that I’m almost down to 5mg, I’ve got the mood swings, the sudden burst of anger, irritability on a level which is off the scale, insomnia, occasional suicidal feelings, dizziness, gastric disturbances (to put it kindly) — the works. The only thing that keeps me going right now is that I know it isn’t going to last. I don’t know how long it will last, but I know it will pass as long as I do everything in the meantime to keep myself healthy (vitamin supplements, exercise, staying away from annoying stupid people, etc.).

The other thing I’ve had to do recently is to tell the people who know that I’m going through withdrawal that I have reached the stage where I am extremely irritable and that they shouldn’t take my unfriendliness personally, and that the best thing they can do is to not push themselves on me. It other words, I’ve politely told them to get out of my face. While I’m going through the irritability stage, something as simple as that has made a difference.

First response:

Reading your message is like reliving my own nightmare. You have so very eloquently expressed feelings what I and many others have had as we journeyed through our withdrawals. I still have a lot of anger over the experience, but in our society you’ve got to be careful who you express those feelings to! You’ve done so much for us on this board in letting us know that our experiences weren’t out of the ordinary or unique — unless you’ve taken Paxil.

THANK YOU for sharing. It really means a lot to me to know that others have felt similar emotions.

Second response:

Thanks for being so candid and sharing your story. I’m gonna risk getting my neck broken here, but the rush of emotions that you will feel again when you complete withdrawal may not be as bad as you’re expecting. I’ve been reading posts here since July 2nd, and I’ve never read any that make it sound hard to deal with. On the contrary, most have said that it felt great to be able to cry again, etc. Tapering can be rough and the days after your final dose may be rough, but at that point, you know that the end is in sight. Your anger should subside. Hang in there, you’re probably in the worst of it right now. When you’re out of this, I hope you can spread the word about what Paxil did to you and prevent others from suffering. I sure have sympathy for you. Let us know how you’re doing.

Third response:

Thank you for your post. I felt myself choking up reading it and reliving the experiences you have described.

I, too, have been down that road. I have never been prone to angry outbursts, so it was really hard for me. I have felt so much shame for acting the way I have toward family (strangely I didn’t feel anger toward others). Many times they would just look at me “stunned” at what they were hearing come from little ole docile me! My rage was mostly ranting and raving. Thank God I didn’t feel suicidal or want to physically hurt anyone. My words were bad enough and I am sure they caused pain to others.

I have been off Paxil for 6 weeks after taking it for 6 years and can tell you that it will get better. My anger lasted for 2 weeks past my last pill and then went away. Some days it wasn’t too bad and others… well… let’s just say I wasn’t too much fun to be around.

I started taking St. Johns Wort about 3 weeks after my last Paxil and just quit taking it a week ago. I have been going through the anger period again just in the last week. I really think and hope it is from discontinuing St. Johns Wort. I am hopeful that I will get past this last bump too.

Wednesday, October 18th, 2000. Responding to something, though I don’t remember what:

Paxil should be an absolute last resort. Communicative therapy (a.k.a. talking) should be tried first. Then there are dietary changes that can make a difference to all kinds of anxiety. You can take vitamin supplements like B-complex to begin with. If you drink caffeine, stop now. Alcohol and cigarettes don’t help with anxiety either (but if you smoke, don’t try quitting while you’re trying to quit something else; trying to quit two things at once will wreck anyone). Making sure to get daily moderate exercise can make a difference. Try a herbal remedy. Listen to good music. Breathe fresh air. Get out in the sunshine.

Speaking from experience, these are basic things that can make a huge difference.

But it’s easier to pop a little pink pill than it is to actually make any real effort to take care of oneself (hence, we have close to two billion dollars in sales of Paxil last year).

It’s easier to take a pill than it is to actually face the fears underlying the social anxiety.

No offense to anyone suffering from panic disorder, but “social anxiety” sound like another made-up term by drug companies. I’ve been shy my whole life. I know what it’s like to be anxious around people and or large crowds. But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. I consider it a natural reaction to the madness of crowds.
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Wednesday, October 18th, 2000 (continued).

Doug said to a previous message:

This is an excellent response. I agree. However, I must state that I took Paxil for almost 3 years and it seemingly worked wonders for me… for a while.

The people I know personally (not through email or through paxilprogress.org) who took Paxil for extreme anxiety and panic attacks — every single one of them ended up taking on that “sedated” look I mentioned before. And there’s no way that can be good. All of them say they couldn’t live without Paxil, regardless of the weight gain and the sexual dysfunction it causes them. But neither have any of them done anything else except take Paxil to take care of themselves. They’re still living off coffee and cigarettes like they’ve always done. So, in a way, they got what they deserved. Nothing gets better in the absence of a willingness to change. Taking a little pink pill only delays the inevitable.

The calm that Paxil may provide can offer one the opportunity to work on the anxiety, but the anxiety will come back if one doesn’t actually work on it. This is something I see happening with many people, as well as having lived through it myself. It doesn’t take much to figure this one out.

I agree with you that Paxil can and often does make a difference at first. I have no doubt about it that Paxil did help me at one point; it helped me get through an extreme crisis situation, extreme stress, extreme anxiety, all during a time when my coping skills were not so good. For the duration I was on Paxil, I did everything I could to get my act together — and now, except for the anxiety related to the withdrawal, I do have it together (I hope). When I think of how I was, say two years ago, I am amazed at how far I’ve come, how effectively I deal with anxiety and stressful situations when they come up. I’m not 100% all the time, but who the hell is? (Nobody.)
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Wednesday, October 18th, 2000 (continued).

In a previous message I mentioned feeling suicidal at times. I know that’s the kind of thing that scares people off, but most people who go through this kind of thing eventually get around to feeling something like it. The problem with actually admitting it out loud is that people think you’re crazy — and nobody listens to crazy people, right? (Right.)

But the fact that I can say it out loud demonstrates, I hope, that I’m probably more healthy than the people who don’t say it out loud. And the last thing I’m going to do is smile and pretend everything is a.o.k. when it isn’t. I see people every day like that who are living in Disneyland and it’s a way of life for them. (And between you and me and that wall over there, these are the people who are nuts. Seriously.)

Despite all the depressing things I’ve experienced because of the Paxil, I am not depressed. Believe me, I know depression, and this isn’t it. This stuff is a headache, and there’s no joy to be found in any of it, but my personality is still relatively intact, and I’m not depressed.
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Sunday, October 29th, 2000. A journal entry:

I’ve been unable to write because the Paxil withdrawal has left my brain feeling scrambled and shot. How am I going to live once I get through this?

I’ve been living in such a fog — I can no longer describe what this withdrawal is like, and I don’t want to.

Monday, October 30th, 2000. A journal entry:

I’m feeling better today. I was going to say much better, but that’s probably pushing it. I got up at 7:30 this morning to help a friend move some things into a new office. I haven’t been sleeping lately, so I was expecting to be tired, grumpy and out of sorts when I got up, and I was. Never too hungry that early in the morning, I had a slice of toast with honey, my usual handful of vitamin supplements, a bottle of water and off I went — hit the road in the pickup truck (someone else driving).

I immediately got dizzy and off balance lifting things and walking up and down the stairs. I wasn’t long popping my first Xanax (electrical sensations were beginning to stir behind my eyes). It took a couple hours to do the work, then I had soup and a bun from doughnut shop. By the time I got home about an hour or so later, I felt good. Not nearly as lousy as I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks, on-and-off suicidal and all that.

This wanting to live stuff is tricky business.

Tuesday, October 31st, 2000. A journal entry:

I woke up this morning around 4:00am with a clarity of mind that I would describe as unusual. I’d fallen asleep in the living room/rec room while watching a TV show I had on tape. I picked myself up and walked to my bedroom. I didn’t go back to sleep right away though; it wasn’t in me.

I lay there wrapped in the blankets thinking. My body didn’t feel wide awake, but my mind was going on a ride. One thing would lead to another, and then another, and I’d say this went on for at least two or three hours.

There were so many thoughts — some to do with my own philosophy of things, arguing my way through it so I could clearly stand behind what I was saying. The thoughts were so clear and strong and well worked out that I doubt they will fade from my consciousness any time soon. I was able to find some peace in all of it. A peace of mind, and of heart and soul, that is hard to come by in the condition I’m in.

I’m down to about 2.5mg of Paxil a day, with at least 0.5mg of Xanax to take the edge off. I don’t know how I’m going to feel once I’m completely off the stuff.

Today is Tuesday. By this weekend I’m hoping to be off it completely. That won’t mean the end of the withdrawal. But that’ll be it for the pills.