Day 39: Dying for a Smoke
Sunday, October 15th, 2000. A journal entry:
I haven’t had a cigarette for months now. Occasionally I still feel like sucking one back, and the urge is extremely strong. Living without alcohol seems to be no problem. But boy would I love to have a smoke right now.
I still can’t say for certain whether I’ll still be alive by Xmas. Simple reason. I don’t want my life anymore. I’m not exactly thrilled about it. My life, that is.
Postscript – April 14th, 2001: In July 2000 when I first got hit with the Paxil withdrawal, I decided to quit: (1) Smoking cigarettes, (2) Drinking coffee/caffeine, (3) Drinking alcohol, and (4) Smoking dope (which I never did much of anyway). At the same time I tried to quit Paxil. Talk about fun. My withdrawal experience may have been a bit more harsh because I tried to quit so many things at the same time. Not drinking or smoking dope was the easiest thing, mainly because I no longer hung around with recreational drunks and potheads. It was a simple decision: That’s not for me. A lifestyle choice. No problem there. Cutting back on the coffee and then gradually switching to decafe was a bit harder, but I did it and sticking to it shouldn’t be a problem. But cutting back on the cigarettes was the hardest. I didn’t smoke any cigarettes until December 2000 when I bought a pack and smoked it all in about two days, and after that the urge was gone. But then I began to have bad headaches in February 2001 which made my getting back on track with life again almost impossible. As I write this postscript, I’m taking special medication just to keep the headaches away. But about ten minutes ago I bummed a smoke from a friend who was visiting, and man oh man did that ever feel good (although I know it’s going to make me feel nauseous in about 20 minutes). I’m not recommending that anyone start smoking up again if they’ve managed to quit, but by letting myself have that cigarette, it was like I was agreeing not to be so hard on myself. And that, psychologically, feels like a great relief. Not that I’m going to begin smoking again, but I think this was the first time since my withdrawal began that I was easy on myself. I think that’s an important thing to remember, especially for people who are usually driven by a strong will and determination. One’s will can be one’s worst enemy at times.