Paxil Free

April 21st, 2002.

I had someone ask me this in an email: “What were you like while taking the Paxil? Did it help you deal with matters better, keep you in control of your emotions? Did you feel better than you do now?”

I didn’t do anything to take care of myself while I was on Paxil, except wake up every morning and take that little pink pill. Talk about taking the easy way out. But yes, it did help me deal better with my emotions. I realized afterwards that I was detached and numbed out from my feelings and the reality of my life, that I didn’t cry once while I was on Paxil. But at the same time I seemed to feel good, relaxed, easy going, both socially and emotionally. Paxil did work for me — I was depressed, then I took the Paxil and wasn’t depressed.

I did feel better then than I do now, but I’m dealing with myself and life differently now, being more honest with myself — not ignoring my emotions by taking Paxil. My life is a hell of a lot harder now than it’s ever been, but that’s the choice I’ve made. Real life can’t be easy all the time. It’s work.

Instead of taking a pill, I’ve decided to face life more honestly and actually identify and work through the underlying issues that caused me to feel depressed in the first place. It would be a hell of a lot easier to start taking Paxil again, but I want to build a foundation of emotional health that is real, not neurochemically induced.

That’s my personal choice, and it’s definitely the hard road, the road less travelled. But I’m giving it a try (it may take years), because if I do managed to live a healthier life where I don’t feel depressed all the time (it’s still a battle for me), it’ll be because I’ve worked on developing more positive and healthier attitudes towards myself, towards taking the action of taking care of myself.

Only in the past few months have I realized that I’ve never really taken care of myself, never really been honest with myself about how I feel about myself. It’s like I’m just beginning to come out of this life of denial, of pretending I was happy when really I wasn’t, of thinking having adventures and having money or being in a close relationship would make me feel good about myself — which they can do, but not in any real way. I was desperately using everything and everyone else to fill in a spiritual hole that was (and is) inside me. I have always used people as a distraction from myself, from looking honestly at myself and my life. But it’s one of those things — if you don’t love yourself, a million dollars and the most wonderful husband or wife in the world won’t make any difference in the end.

So for me, that’s what it’s come down to. Learning to accept myself, to care about myself, to be honest with myself. And it means facing reality and taking responsibility for myself in a way I never have before.

And most days I am scared shitless. Every day is like the first day of school because I’m having to re-learn everything, the simplest things about living life. I battle with depression, because I’m in a battle with my self-esteem, with feeling good about myself. I feel socially awkward and unsure of myself because this is all new ground for me; I’m learning as I go. I have chronic muscle tension and pain and bad headaches from either stress or the effects of my Paxil withdrawal (the jury is still out on that one). My self-confidence, or easy-goingness, isn’t so hot. And, taking responsibility for myself in way I never have before (that is, not using someone else as my drug of choice), I feel sad and lonely about 90% of the time, like I’m about to go into a panic any second if I can’t find someone to be with.

Sounds like I should be taking Paxil, doesn’t it? But I’m not. What all this means is that I’m just now beginning to be honest with myself. I’m not going to feel like this the rest of my life. But right now it’s a part of what I have to go through to get to a better place, a more realistic, balanced, healthier way of living. And, speaking just for myself, that means a life without Paxil. It means really taking the time to take care of myself, for the first time in my life.

It’s a completely different way of living for me. I feel awkward, nervous, insecure, socially inept, unsure of myself all the time, unable to have a spontaneous reaction to anything or anyone, conversationally a big fat zero, profoundly silent, sad and lonely like I haven’t got a friend in the world, losing count of how often I just don’t want to face the day, and the muscle tension I feel is so constant, I don’t think there’s been a single minute in the past year and a half where I haven’t been in some kind of physical pain. Pretty good, eh?

But I am so glad to be here. Because even though the quality of my life is probably worse now than it was before Paxil, it’s more honest. My physical and mental health may be improving at a snail’s pace (sure feels that way most of the time), but at least this time it’s for real. Life isn’t easier, but it is better.

Postscript (March 2003): I was deeply disturbed by my Paxil withdrawal experience, and this blog is a product of that experience, of the state of mind I was in. Although I would use different language to describe it today, the story would be the same. The pure hell people are going through because of this drug, the lives that are being destroyed — none of that seems to have changed. GlaxoSmithKline, with its eyes on the billions of dollars in sales, continues to disregard the welfare of people who experience severe paroxetine withdrawal; they have yet to provide the medical community with sufficient information on this drug. As for general practitioners, who prescribe paroxetine more than anyone else, they seem to be just as ignorant as they have always been, not that I blame them (though some could still use a lesson in humility). Very few doctors have the time to research the facts for themselves; the majority of general practitioners are left to believe whatever GlaxoSmithKline tells them. So generally speaking, it is the same old story. People are still taking this drug, unaware that it could do them much more harm than good. My story of paroxetine withdrawal could be told a thousand times over today, and it probably is. I hope Paxil Free continues to provide comfort to those who really need it. Take care.