So-called Relapse
Wednesday, July 12th, 2000 (continued).
This is still my 5th day back on the Paxil after trying to cold turkey. I’m taking 20mg, my regular dose, but if you can believe it, I’m considering increasing it.
Before I went off the Paxil cold turkey as my doctor ordered, I was feeling fine. Happy, functional, smiling joe. Now my 5th day back on Paxil after my terrible cold turkey withdrawal experience, all of my withdrawal symptoms have long gone, and the headaches and the sleepiness I experienced when I first got back on the Paxil have also disappeared.
All I’m left with now is feeling depressed. My body feels fine, but emotionally I’m feeling depressed and easily saddened.
I plan to wean myself off the Paxil, but I need to feel not depressed before I do that. Right now — or at least today — I don’t have the guts to do anything. And I’m not used to feeling like this. It’s not overwhelming yet, but it is interfering with my ability to do what I want to do; that irrational, underlying fear is there. I’m fine when I do talk to people, but I’m not feeling as brave and easy-going as I was before.
I don’t want to increase my dosage. I’m trying to eat well, trying to get outside, trying to be positive, but I don’t feel like any of it. I’m hoping this will pass. I’m hoping I don’t have to increase the Paxil.
I’ll be making a doctor’s appointment today, but does anyone whose been through this having any suggestions? (I hate this shit!)
P.S. (Sept. 2006): That’s the vicious cycle of Paxil. You take it because you feel depressed or you’re axious in social situations. But once you stop taking it, whatever depression or social anxiety you experienced before doesn’t just come back — it comes back with a vengence. Some call this relapse, but how do you relapse into a condition that is worse than what you started with? This is one of the many ways paroxetine messes with your nervous system. Paroxetine may not be considered officially an addictive drug, but I’ve heard from heroin addicts who had an easier time going clean. (See also the Wikipedia entry for SSRI discontinuation syndrome and paxilprogress.org’s Published Withdrawal Studies.)