Wanting Rest
Thursday, September 21st, 2000 (continued).
I began therapy for post-traumatic stress (PTS) last year. It helped more than anything else could have. It was absolutely the best thing I could have done. Since then I have had other things happen (including my initial Paxil withdrawal) where I felt like I didn’t have any control over my life. I have dealt with the PTS, and I don’t have anymore symptoms (no “flashbacks,” etc.), but so many other things have happened (nonstop it seems) since my initial PTS experience that I just haven’t had the time to rest and recover, to re-evaluate, etc.
I was feeling ready to get on with my life this past July, and so — following my doctor’s orders — stopped taking Paxil cold turkey. And you know how the story goes from there. The only thing I’m afraid of now is what’s going to happen to me next as I continue to wean myself off the Paxil. I keep trying to stay composed, but I am scared out of my mind every step of the way. I can feel those ***king brain zaps ready to pounce on me once I go down to 10mg, and I am not looking forward to it. That’s the only fear that I’m feeling. And that’s a real fear whereas the fear from PTS is largely irrational. PTS was no fun at all, but Paxil sure the hell doesn’t make it any better.
In my work, I can usually write two to three thousand solid words a day. I doubt I’ve written that much in all of the past two weeks. I’m getting through this, but I’m getting sick of it too. I know all about PTS. But most of what I’m experiencing now is just a pain in the ass.